Trusted Adult Principles

Going “Above & Beyond” means stepping outside your job description to see young people as complete human beings, not just students, clients, or cases to manage. This isn’t something you can do with everyone – and that’s okay. Building trust takes real time and energy, so be intentional about where you invest it.

Young people in our research called this going “off-script” – having genuine conversations that aren’t part of your official role. Instead of sticking to “How was school?” you might ask “What’s actually on your mind today?” or “What’s it like being 16 today?” It’s about being authentically curious about their world, not just going through the motions.

Reality Check: Your age and position don’t automatically make you trustworthy. In fact, our culture gives adults so much power over young people that many teens are rightfully cautious about trusting us. You have to earn that trust by showing genuine interest in who they are—their dreams, frustrations, interests, and perspectives—not just what you need them to do.

Going above and beyond means proving through your actions that you see them as a whole person worth knowing, not just another young person you’re supposed to manage or fix.

Young people have finely-tuned radar for when adults are sugarcoating, dodging, or talking down to them. They can sense when you’re not giving them the full story, and nothing kills trust faster than feeling like an adult thinks they can’t handle the truth.

“Don’t Sugarcoat It” means talking to young people like they’re capable of understanding complex situations, because they are. It’s about respecting their intelligence and emotional capacity, even when the conversation gets uncomfortable.

Active listening is key here. Listen to understand their experience, not to formulate your response or find the perfect teachable moment. Sometimes the most honest thing you can say is “I don’t know” or “Tell me more about that.” It’s also OK if your conversations stay light and don’t get into heavily emotional territory.

Reality Check: Honest doesn’t mean harsh, and being straightforward doesn’t require that you jump at the chance to lecture. Instead, be curious instead of assuming. Rather than jumping to conclusions or telling them what you would do, try asking questions like “Help me understand what that was like for you” or “What do you think would be most helpful right now?”

When you approach difficult conversations with genuine curiosity about their perspective—instead of an agenda to fix or correct—you’re showing that you trust them with honesty, and that makes them more likely to trust you back.

We’re all wired to make split-second judgments—it’s human nature. But trusted adults hit the pause button before reacting. They catch themselves mid-thought and ask, “What assumptions am I making here? What don’t I understand about this situation?”

Young people are incredibly skilled at reading judgment, even when you think you’re hiding it. A raised eyebrow, a certain tone, or that “I’m disappointed” look can shut down a conversation faster than any words. When they feel judged, they get defensive, clam up, or decide you just don’t get it.

Reality Check: Here’s what many adults miss: the “risky” behaviors that make us nervous? The intense emotions that seem over-the-top? The boundary-testing that drives us crazy? That’s not dysfunction or defiance just for the sake of being difficult – that’s healthy adolescent development in action. Their brains are literally wired to explore, take risks, and feel everything intensely.

Instead of viewing these as problems to fix, trusted adults make time to understand these experiences. You can acknowledge vaping is concerning without shaming the young person who is trying it. You can validate intense heartbreak without dismissing it as “just teenage drama.” You can help them think through safety and consequences without making them feel stupid for being curious.

The goal isn’t to eliminate teenage behavior—it’s to support young people so they can navigate adolescence safely and intentionally.

A “Two-Way Street” means you’re willing to be a little vulnerable too. When you share something real about yourself, you’re showing that you trust them with that information. When you apologize after making a mistake, you’re teaching them that you’re not perfect, and that you care about maintaining their trust. Showing that kind of vulnerability can be incredibly powerful for building connection.

But here’s where it gets tricky: there’s a big difference between being authentic and oversharing. The goal is to model healthy vulnerability, not dump your problems on a teenager.

Think about it this way—young people already carry the weight of figuring out their own lives. They don’t need to feel responsible for fixing yours, too. So sharing your current relationship drama, financial stress, or family conflicts? That’s crossing a line from being relatable to being inappropriate.

The sweet spot is sharing stories from when you were their age. “When I was 16, I completely bombed a presentation and wanted to disappear forever” plays differently than “I’m so stressed about the meeting I have with my boss next week.” One shows you understand their experience; the other makes them feel like they need to comfort you.

Reality Check: Remember, even in a “two-way” relationship, you’re still the adult. They can trust you with their biggest fears and worst mistakes, but they shouldn’t have to be your therapist. Keep your sharing brief, relevant to their situation, and focused on giving them hope or perspective—not asking for their advice or emotional support.

The best stories show them that you’ve been where they are and made it through, not that you’re still struggling right alongside them.

“Warm & Firm” boundaries might sound like an oxymoron, but it’s actually the perfect combo. You’re kind and caring (warm) while also being crystal clear about your limits (firm). Think of it like a coach who genuinely cares about your success but still won’t let you play if you keep skipping practice.

Clear boundaries aren’t walls—they’re actually what make relationships feel safe. When young people know what to expect from you, they can relax and trust that you’re reliable. Here’s the catch: you have to be consistent with everyone. You can’t have looser rules for the students you like and more strict ones for those who annoy you. Young people are always watching how you treat others, and that’s how they decide if you’re actually trustworthy.

When someone pushes against your boundaries (and they will), resist the urge to get defensive or try to win. Instead, approach it with curiosity and empathy: “I know you want to text me about this over the weekend, but I don’t check work messages until Monday morning. I can see that this is really important to you, though—what would be helpful for us to talk about now, before the weekend?” You can maintain your own boundaries while still treating them with respect and care.

Reality Check: Here’s something crucial—just because you have a great relationship with a young person doesn’t mean you’re the right person to help them with everything. If they’re dealing with mental health issues and you’re not a counselor, your job is to connect them with someone who is.

Being a trusted adult sometimes means admitting when someone else would be better equipped to help. That’s not failing them—that’s caring enough to get them what they actually need.

When young people share their experiences with you, believe them. That’s it! Validation isn’t about agreeing with everything they say—it’s about acknowledging that their feelings and experiences are real and true for them, even if you might react totally differently to the same situation.

You don’t have to understand every detail of their perspective to validate it. What matters is staying curious and checking your own assumptions. This is especially important when you come from different backgrounds or have had different levels of opportunity.

Here’s something we know: young people often connect more easily with adults who share similar experiences—race, economic background, gender identity, family history. Having common ground is one part of being a “credible messenger”—someone they trust because you’ve been there too. They look at you and can say to themselves, “This person really gets it.”

And if you don’t share identities? You can still support them, validate their experiences, and learn more about their perspectives. You can also keep in mind how you might facilitate their connection to other adults who might be “credible messengers.”

Reality check: Even if you and a young person have tons in common, you still hold certain advantages just by being the adult in the room. You’re older, probably more financially stable, and definitely in a position of authority. These power dynamics exist no matter how much you relate to each other.

If your background is really different from theirs, own that reality. You don’t need to announce it in every conversation, but when it matters, be upfront about it. Say something like, “I know my experience growing up was really different from yours.”

The goal isn’t to pretend you’re the same—it’s to be genuine about who you are while keeping the focus on understanding and supporting them. Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is admit when you don’t have the right perspective or experience to truly get it.

This isn’t about the polite “How are you?” that everyone answers with “Fine.” This is about genuinely caring and showing up emotionally for the young people in your life.

Being emotionally available means paying attention—really paying attention. Notice when someone who’s usually chatty goes quiet, or when the class clown suddenly isn’t cracking jokes. These shifts matter, and acknowledging them shows you see them as a whole person, not just a role they play.

The magic happens in how you respond to what you notice. Sometimes it’s as simple as saying, “You seem different today—everything okay?” Other times, it’s remembering that they had a big test last week and following up about how it went. It’s the small moments that build trust.

Reality Check: Here’s where a lot of adults mess up: they think caring means fixing. When a young person shares something hard with you, your first instinct might be to jump in with solutions or advice. Resist that urge.

Sometimes the most caring thing you can do is just listen. Let them work through their thoughts out loud without trying to solve everything for them. They’re not broken—they’re figuring things out, and that’s exactly what they’re supposed to be doing.

Respecting their autonomy means recognizing that they’re the expert on their own life. You can offer support, resources, or a different perspective, but ultimately, they get to decide what feels right for them. That’s not being hands-off—that’s being genuinely supportive.

As an adult in a school or youth organization, you automatically have power over young people. You influence their grades, their opportunities, maybe even their future. The question isn’t whether you have power; it’s what you do with it.

Sharing power means actively looking for ways to flatten that hierarchy. Instead of making decisions about young people, make decisions with them. Ask for their input on things that affect them—classroom rules, program activities, even hiring decisions when appropriate. And here’s the key part: actually use their feedback, don’t just collect it to check a box.

This also means using your adult privilege to amplify youth voices in spaces where they don’t usually get heard. When you’re in meetings with other adults, bring up what young people have told you. Advocate for including them in conversations about policies that directly impact their lives.

Reality Check: You can’t just ignore the power you have—that’s not realistic or helpful. You’re still the adult, you’re still responsible for certain decisions, and yes, you might still be a mandated reporter. The goal isn’t to pretend these dynamics don’t exist.

Instead, be transparent about them. Say things like, “I want your honest opinion about this, and I want you to know that whatever you share won’t affect your grade” or “This is a decision I ultimately have to make, but I really want your input first.”

Remember that asking someone to participate in decision-making is also asking them to be vulnerable. Some young people will jump at the chance to have their voice heard; others might not feel safe or ready to speak up. Always give them an easy out—”You can totally pass on this if you’re not feeling it” goes a long way toward making participation feel genuinely optional.

Having high expectations isn’t about being demanding or unrealistic—it’s about genuinely believing that young people are capable of amazing things and then backing that belief up with actual support.

This means seeing potential everywhere: in the student who struggles in math but has brilliant ideas, in the quiet one who never speaks up but writes incredible poetry, in the class troublemaker who’s actually a natural leader. High expectations aren’t just about grades or behavior—they’re about recognizing that every young person has something valuable to offer.

But here’s the crucial part: you can’t just say “I believe in you” and walk away. You have to follow through with practical support. That might mean connecting them with resources, teaching them specific skills, helping them break down big goals into manageable steps, or just being available when they need guidance.

Reality Check: High expectations without support are just setting someone up to fail. It’s like telling someone to climb a mountain and then not giving them any gear. The magic happens when you combine “I know you can do this” with “Here’s how we’re going to make it happen.”

Your job is to help them build their own toolkit—not to do things for them, but to show them how to do things for themselves. Sometimes that means letting them struggle a bit while you’re there as backup. Sometimes it means connecting them with someone who has expertise you don’t have, or an adult who is a credible messenger.

The goal isn’t to make them dependent on you; it’s to make them confident in their own abilities. When they succeed, they should feel like they earned it—because they did. You just helped them see what was possible and gave them the tools to get there.