If you’ve ever wondered how your teenager went from happily talking to rolling their eyes and shutting their bedroom door—or why they sometimes make decisions that don’t make sense—you’re not the only one. Many adults take moments like this personally. The truth is that a lot is happening in the teenage mind, and what might come off as being rude or moody are really a result of brain development. Understanding this process can help you approach a teenager you care about with curiosity, empathy, and patience—the foundation for being a trusted adult (PDF).
Pause and Reflect: Think of one thing your teen did recently that left you feeling confused or frustrated. As you read, reflect on this behavior and see how you might view it through a lens of brain development.
The Brain is Still Building
During the teen years, the brain learns how to sort through everything and focus on what counts. Supporting a teen during these years can be overwhelming for everyone involved but rest assured, those big emotions and risky behaviors are all signs that your teenager’s brain is working hard to grow into adulthood.
In terms of adolescent behavior, there are two parts of the brain that play major roles. The limbic system, considered the gas pedal of the brain, develops early on and is responsible for those trademark strong teenage emotions! The limbic system drives young people to seek excitement, connection, and reward. The prefrontal cortex, which doesn’t fully develop until the mid to late 20s, is the brain’s brake system– it helps us think through problems and make more balanced decisions. Because the gas pedal develops before the brake, it is normal for teens to have strong emotions that can overpower their ability to think clearly or consider long-term consequences. This is why your teen likely has trouble with problem solving and choosing safe options, especially when they feel very strongly about something. The gap between the gas and brakes isn’t something to criticize your teen for—it’s a normal, expected part of growing up. When you’re feeling confused or frustrated by your teen’s behavior, remember that their feelings aren’t exaggerations—they’re reflections of a developing brain.
Growth Means Risk-Taking
Whether your teen is sneaking out without your permission or doing the opposite of what you asked, teens will at times make risky choices that leave you feeling concerned. Risk taking is a normal part of development. It initially helped teens in the past become independent and form social groups and communities. Today we see this in group chats, social media use, and even vaping.
Risk taking isn’t always negative– especially when guided by a trusted adult. It can help teens grow independence and confidence. Joining a new club, speaking out for what they believe in, or expressing themselves through art are all positive forms of risk-taking. When you guide instead of control, your teen can build their own decision-making skills – hello brakes!
Pause and Reflect: Think about the last time you invited your teen to share something they were excited—or a little nervous—to try. How did you respond? Were you able to listen with curiosity instead of jumping in to correct or redirect?
Respect and Autonomy are Mandatory
Teens want to be respected—and they notice when they’re not. They know when adults talk at them instead of with them or when their input is ignored because of their age.
When your teen feels dismissed by you or other adults, it can damage trust. Teens are highly attuned to issues of fairness and social status. When trust is broken, they are not just emotionally hurt; they’re also less likely to come to you when they need help. Teens who feel they can’t count on adults often turn to their friends for guidance—even if that guidance isn’t always helpful or safe. But when adults show trust, respect, and curiosity, they help teens build healthier relationships with peers too.
This can matter even more for teens affected by cultural, community, or social barriers. These teens may feel misunderstood or ignored more often. Teens who often feel misunderstood or ignored may not feel safe to trust adults, especially when they don’t feel safe being their full selves. For them, being heard and respected isn’t just validating—it’s protective.
So, What Can I do?
Start by reflecting on the questions in this blog. Then try a few of these research-supported strategies:
- Let go of control and try working together. Put your teen in the decision-making seat. It helps them grow confidence and problem-solving skills. Ask what they think.
- Think about behavior through the lens of brain development. For example, if your teen is pushing back in a conversation, it might mean they’re learning to think critically—not just being defiant. Point out the effort they’re making.
- Model what you want to see. Practice staying calm. If you raise the stakes, they probably will too. When you stay calm, they’re more likely to calm down too. Take a breath and model calm when you can.
- Most importantly, keep showing up. Even when they pull away, your presence matters. Find small ways to show consistency—check in through text, share a meal, or take interest in their interests.
Your teen isn’t just acting out—they’re becoming themselves! Your willingness to understand the “why” behind their behavior can help them build the inner wiring that will support them long after adolescence.
This blog is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to provide medical or mental health advice. If you have concerns about your child’s health or well-being, please consult a qualified healthcare or mental health professional.
