When your teenager is dealing with something difficult, it can be natural to jump into fixing their problem to help and support them. But suggesting a solution without their permission sometimes makes it look like you don’t value what your teenager is going through. Most teens just want someone safe who accepts their feelings.
To most teens, it’s not about having the perfect response; it’s letting them know their feelings are valid. This is especially important for maintaining connection during conflict, when their experience will surely be different from yours. Your teen benefits from you leading with curiosity and willingness to hear them out because to them it says, “what you feel is valid, and you’re not alone.” That builds trust, which helps teens manage big emotions and stay open to receiving help.
When your teen is feeling strong feelings, it may be hard for them to explain their experience. They are thinking and feeling a lot all at once, which can sometimes cause them to take longer to understand their feelings. When you stay calm and supportive, you are making sure they know it’s okay if they’re still figuring it out. That kind of support helps normalize the messiness of big emotions and gives them the space to reflect and understand what’s going on inside when they’re ready. Rather than pushing them for answers, you’re showing them it’s safe to take their time.
What to Avoid (Even When You Mean Well)
It can be hard to validate what your teen is going through. You may have tried normalizing their feelings, only to have your words land the wrong way. Maybe you were trying to offer perspective, calm them down, or reassure them that things would get better, but instead, your teen pulled away or got even more upset. This shows how tricky validation can be, especially when emotions are high.
It’s natural to connect what you’re seeing your teen go through to things you experienced when you were younger. You might tell them, “It’ll work out somehow,” or “I went through that when I was your age” – all with good intentions. By saying that, your teen may feel like you’re dismissing their emotions or experience since what they are going through is big, important, and new to them.
What Validation Looks and Sounds Like
Validation is letting your child know that their feelings make sense and are important. It does not require that you fully understand what they’re going through or agree with their behavior or perspective. Approaching their challenges this way helps them feel seen in the moment and keeps the door open if they want to talk about it again later.
Validation might sound like:
- “I get why you feel disappointed about that – you had really geared up for it. I’m here if you want to talk more about that.”
- “We’re both angry right now. I can understand why this was an upsetting conversation for you. Let’s cool off and talk more about it after dinner.”
- “It makes sense that you are hurt. You care about your friends, and you want the same respect back from them.”
Leading with validating your teen’s feelings doesn’t mean you don’t have rules or expectations. You can set boundaries and still acknowledge their feelings.
Just being present can be a powerful way to communicate when you aren’t sure what to say – you don’t always need to talk. Sitting nearby, giving a supportive shoulder, or telling them you are there whenever they need to talk can help.
Validation Helps Teens Regulate and Return
Being emotionally safe allows teens to control their emotions better when things get overwhelming. It helps because when your teen feels secure, it creates a sense of understanding that allows their mind to relax and think logically. If people feel criticized or ignored, their defenses rise. This might look like them snapping at you, withdrawing from you, or getting increasingly upset.
Validation can help lessen defensiveness that gets in the way of trust-building and problem-solving. It’s a way to let them know, “It’s fine if you feel like this, and I’m still here for you.” Presenting yourself that way helps your teen stop and begin thinking clearly about how they feel.
And you’re modeling something too. Meeting their intensity calmly, rather than with anger, shows them how to handle big feelings without making things worse. Even if they don’t mirror that right away, your response gives them something to come back to later.
Validation Builds Help-Seeking Behavior
Learning how to validate your teens feelings has long-term impact. When your teen has access to adults that help them feel emotionally safe, they are more likely to ask for help, not just from you but also from other safe adults that make up their support system. Validation teaches them that their emotions won’t be punished or dismissed. Remember, this kind of trust doesn’t happen overnight—it’s built in those small, steady moments where your teen knows they can come to you as they are and still be met with care.
Even when things are messy. Even when you disagree.
